Childhood Memories: from the perspective of the self-consumed high schooler.

Susan didn’t care one bit about what her mother thought about the world. She knew that was a little harsh, well actually, it was more than just a little harsh it was very harsh and probably an exaggeration, but right now Susan was pushed over the edge. How could her mother even believe in what she was saying?

There were multiple ways that Susan could academically dispute her mother, to prove that her words were not valid or well thought out, but was it even worth it? Even saying one little thing back to her mom would create another World War, and no one wanted that.

Susan’s mom was a local divorce lawyer and was very talented at what she did. Her mom was a tall, breathtaking beauty that knew how to dominate the courtroom and whatever room she walked into for that matter. Susan struggled with her mom’s job, she couldn’t get it out of her mind that her mom was so talented, and is often praised for, breaking up families – because of her mom’s talent families were torn apart. Susan struggled with this thought often. She knew she couldn’t blame her mother entirely because first off she didn’t know anything about the situations and circumstances that her mom’s clients were in and secondly these families could have been split up long before they ever entered into her mom’s office.

What Susan did know about her opinion of her mom’s job was that it impacted almost every thought that she had about her. Even in the little things…like what was presently happening. Susan was so displeased with her mother, which is painful for her to admit because when she is thinking honestly about herself she knows that she is no different. Susan was a hypocrite, yet even knowing that fact did not stop her from thinking these ill thoughts.

Susan and her mom did have some good times, but Susan always thought that she was walking on egg shells – waiting for the moment that one of them would blow up about something the other said or did. Weirdly this just became their normal, until Susan got to high school and found out that her mother was going to divorce her father.

Susan and her sister always thought that this would happen – she even openly discussed it with her mom one night when they were fighting. Susan concluded that her mom would want to divorce her father since all of her mom’s friends were divorced and her mom was always surrounded by divorce at work. Susan knew though that her mom and dad did not have a marriage that was close to perfect and she couldn’t blame her mom for that.

Even still, when Susan heard the news it was detonating. She didn’t scream or yell or even cry. She just sat back, wishing that she didn’t have to be right about something this one time. Yes, she always knew that this would happen, but she had always wished that she was wrong.

Now she can’t help but blame her mother more. It is a terrible inner struggle that haunts Susan. She is haunted by the fact that she just can’t seem to forgive her mom or give her a break for her mistakes. Susan is well aware of the fact that neither her nor her mother are perfect…and they shouldn’t be. So then why can’t Susan extend grace to her mother?

Writing to Someone

I write out my thoughts in the format of letters. I write this way because writing for someone helps me process my thoughts more constructively. When I only write for myself my writing begins to become short and choppy, but when I write and I think about someone reading my writing I begin to explore my thoughts more. Writing is an individual act, which makes it draining and lonely (especially if it is an essay and it has been hours on hours of writing). I write to someone - someone that I cannot fully describe - who I feel holds me to a higher standard and is interested in the wonder of this world. When I write to that someone I can explore the boring moments of the day and find new ways to bring those moments to life. I can also express myself without the feeling like I am being judged. The "someone" fulfills both the specifics of everyone and no one, which makes him the perfect person to write to. 

I write to discover, to motivate, to confess, and to express the inner workings of my mind. I begin mostly by addressing my presumed reader and then I let my thoughts flow from there. I address my reader at the beginning because I want to invite them into the conversation with me. Then I attempt to block out all of the distractions and just write out my thoughts.

Depending on whether or not I am writing in my journal or if I am writing a blog determines whether or not I will proofread my work. I typically never proofread my journals, it gives them an authentic personal style, but if these journals were ever one day published I would hope that someone would edit them (just a little bit). If I am writing a blog I will definitely proofread the text multiple times, sometimes reading the text out loud. Reading the text out loud is what helps me find the most mistakes in my writing. When I read the text out loud it forces me to slow down. 

When I am writing for myself I am normally only writing to that someone. Sometimes I will share my writing with my husband, but normally I just keep it to myself. I am not protective over my writing I just don't see a need to share it because I have already accomplished my goal. The goal being that I was able to be lost for the time that it took me to write and during that time I was able to work through my thoughts in wonderment. 

My writing style for school is completely different and it is draining. I have not come close to mastering writing an essay, paper, or research paper. I struggle to formulate all that I want to say into the given structure and format.